There's a Hole in My Heart

Margot,

There's a hole in my heart where you used to be... What the hell has happened to you? I know that last week was busy for both of us for exams, but it's like you have dropped off the face of the earth. What happened? Did granny hot pants show up pregnant with the college boy's baby and you passed out and hit your head on one of your Christmas light reindeer (by the way, I hate those things)?

Seriously, Margie... I am home now, and we ought to hang out. Lets go look at all the ridiculous displays of Christmas lights and yell obscenities at the houses at like 1 o'clock in the morning! It'll be great! Or maybe we can go stick plastic forks in someone's yard. I am in the mood to do something crazy. LISTEN TO ME! I NEED YOU AND YOUR INSANITY!

You know I am going crazy being back home. My parents will be working all the time, and there's no radical religious types in my house. I'm not saying that you can double as my parent/Bible-Koran thumping roommate, but you can definitely help me keep sanity in this dump we call home.

Write back or call... or else I'm going to hire a hit man to take out your grandma's boyfriend and then I'm going to woo her with my young looks and debonair style.

Blake

Such a Tease

To Whom it May Concern,

First of all, I don't wanna hear your complaining about your name anymore... My name is Blake. It is just about as rednecky as you can get. Just try saying this:

"Blake, come on inside the trailer, the wind is pickin' up! And don't forget to put Bessie and the other heffers in the barn before you come up from the field!"

Horrific. Know anyone famous named Blake? I don't think so. As for Margot, I mean, come on... It's French, it's got a T that is completely unnecessary, and it's just plain sexy. Try saying this:

"Margot, you are more beautiful than dewdrops on a freshly cut rose. My dear, Margot, please say you'll be mine tonight."

Yeah. You win.

Anyway, the way you started out that last letter, I would have thought you were going to give me reasons to go get drunk tonight instead of study for my exams. Looks like I was completely wrong. Instead, I shall spend another hum drum night sitting in my religous salad bowl of an apartment (salad bowl, not melting pot--we haven't merged into a soup, we are merely just lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, and cucumbers) reading about the United States foreign policy with Canada. I would much rather be reading Shakespeare, so I'm kinda jealous.

As for that hottie I was dating a month ago, she is severely caught up in her sorority. I mean, I'm happy for her, but there's only so much Greek I can take. It all came to a screeching halt when our 2 month anniversary came on the night of their mixer with Lambda Chi Asshole... whatever the hell it is. Anyway, instead of letting me take her out and have a nice evening together, she goes and runs of with her bitches to the damn mixer. I'm sorry, but that just wasn't cool. So, we ended up breaking up the night of our 2 month anniversary. She still calls sometimes... why I don't know.

Well, now that I am completely depressed thinking about that ho again, I will delve into some fabulous Canadian politics (note sarcasm)! Talk to you soon, MARGOT.

Blake aka "That Redneck Guy in Chicago"

Concerning Your Fox of a Grandmother...

Margie,

First of all, you complain about your name all the time. It is not my fault that your mother (spawn of your 20-something boy dating grandmother) decided to name you so horrifically. I told you that changing your name to Gertrude or Prunella might do wonders for your image.

As for Granny the Jock-boy Slayer, I think that's awesome. How many 80-year olds can work it with a 22-year old?! You better hope you got those genes! Speaking of that, how is your love life? I'm certainly glad to hear that you aren't back with that idiot again. I bet you and Carlos would hit it off... expecially since you suggested shoving that menorah up his poop chute. I think he's into S&M. Just a guess.

Anyway, I'll be home soon! I can't wait. I need to get back to studying for exams. I hate these things. Love ya (not as much as I love Granny... OW, OW!)...

Blake

Um, hello?

Margot,

Where are you? If you are dating that creep again, I swear when I come home for Christmas break, I'm going to BREAK him. He was such a jerk to you in 11th grade. What's his name? Something that starts with a D right? Like Dweeb or Dumbass or Dork... Let me stop. Hopefully, you aren't even with him, and the only reason you haven't responded yet is because you were in a devastating accident that took off your fingers so you can't type back to me.

Anyway, ONLY 11 DAYS 'TIL I'M HOME! And we'll be goin' out causin' a racous! That's one thing that is hard to do here. Everything is out and open in the city... and there are so many adults and old people around. It's impossible to do anything spontaneous here. I mean, now that I'm 21, I can't try to sneak into bars anymore. Well, I guess I could by just not showing them my ID. That'd be so gay though.

Speaking of queers (::sigh::) Carlos is pissing me the hell off. He keeps getting upset with my Christmas music. I'm not even playing it that loud, but I always know that he's pissed because I hear him storming through the apartment cussing in Spanish. I know my share of inappropriate Spanish words. You remember Spanish class? HAHA! Anyway, I think I'm gonna tell him to just give up Paganism if he's so annoyed with the Christmas music. You know? Why would anyone want to claim a religion that you have to study and read about so much anyway. I like being Christian... all based on faith, you know?

I just need to have the faith that you are going to write back to me... DO IT, BITCH! Hehe. Love ya. Write back NOW!

Blake

Retards

Hey Margot,

I am seriously missing home right about now. It was so good to hang out with you over Thanksgiving Break. It reminded me of high school when we used to tear up the town. Ironically, the fact that I am in a bigger town sucks. Chicago is nothing like home. Besides the fact that you aren't here, I miss the Christmas spirit that everyone feels immediately after Thanksgiving back home. It feels like it's just another week or month here. There's nothing exciting. I mean, sure the stores are decorated and shit like that, but it's still nothing compared to the Christmas spirit that I used to feel at home.

But you know, now that I think of it, the problem is not really the Chicago residents. It's my douche-bag roommates. One is Jewish, one is Jehovah's Witness, and the other is a Pagan. Who woulda thought that I would have gotten stuck with a bunch of religious outcasts?! No one wants a Christmas tree. Well, Peter (the Jewish one) said he wouldn't mind one as long as we could have a minorah as well. Well, I have no problem with that, but Carlos (the Pagan) started talking about using the minorah for Pagan worship. That really pissed Peter off, to say the least. So I'm through with both of them. Ironically, it seems that the only one I am getting along with is the Jehovah's Witness, Reggie. He doesn't want anything up. I'm feeling just about the same.

I really think I'm going to go to the park and find a tree and decorate it all by myself. Maybe it will cheer me up a little.

Write back soon,
Blake